Friday, October 18, 2013

On Florida State Games



Florida State is different. It always has been. They don’t give me the feeling of dread and aggravation that Georgia Tech does; they don’t cause the blind rage that USC does; and they don’t make me want to stomp Koopa Troopas like Maryland does. I know I’m going to be speaking blasphemy to some of you, but I kinda like Florida State, in a brotherly sort of way. They’ve got a cool mascot. They’ve got some great traditions. They’ve got a phenomenal marching band. And before you say you hate it and think it’s annoying, the War Chant is pure genius. No other cheer is as well-known and reviled, and no other chant actively recruits opposing teams’ fans to cheer along as well as the War Chant. There’s no end to the awful, disgusting things that Seminoles will do after F*cking themselves (“Suck genitals” and “F*ck animals”!? Shameful!), but its addictiveness is evidence enough to how smart it is.
"Oh, oh, oooh! Feed me donut holes!"

And the marching band! Yes, the marching band nerd must talk about arguably the best marching band this side of the SC State Marching 101. With over 400 members and a large number coming from music performance majors, the FSU band is a force. And I mean that quite literally; you can often feel the sound coming from their section. Sure, they play the Tomahawk Chop like the government plays political chicken (constantly, and without remorse), and sure, they’re actually too big to make shapes other than “amoeba” and “sideways amoeba”, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t look forward to them coming. Most of my friends don’t like to be near me when the FSU band plays. The drool puddle is vast and unrelenting.

As vast and unrelenting as Jameis Winston's tiny, tiny ears aren't.

That being said, I sure do love it when we beat Florida State like they owe us money. Like that time in 2009 when CJ Spiller and Andre Ellington singlehandedly completed the genocide of FSU’s defense and special teams? Or that other time in 2009 when our entire stadium sang Queen’s “We Will Rock You” at the FSU fans until our collective hearts burst? Or that other, other time in 2009 when DeAndre McDaniel totally broke Christian Ponder’s collarbone after intercepting him and calling him out like he had personally urinated on McDaniel’s cat’s grave*? Or that time in 2011 when Rennie Moore sacked Clint Trickett so hard, he transferred to West Virginia to fulfill his dream of becoming King of the Couch Burners*? Good times. Well, except for Ponder, but he should have known better than to desecrate Cuddles McDaniel’s grave. 

Such a distinguished seminary of higher learning.

And even when we lose to Florida State, the games are exciting. It’s competitive, hard-fought football at its finest, and I hope that never changes. I’ve been to a lot of Clemson football games, and with the exception of the LSU game last year, nothing compares to the Florida State games. We literally ripped the bleachers out of Death Valley in 2011 after beating them. People were so excited about that game, they broke and carried out entire sections of bleachers like they were souvenir cups. That’s so mind bogglingly stupid, so incredibly pointless, and so hilariously awesome that you just have to sit back and appreciate the passion that envelopes this game every year. I’m just going to go ahead a say it: I love Florida State, in spite of their supposed inclination towards fellatio and bestiality*.

*There may or may not be evidence to corroborate these claims.

Notes:
1.       Win or lose, this is without a doubt my favorite game of the year.
2.       Also, this game has huge implications. Two top-5 ACC schools playing each other in Clemson. Heisman status, ACC championship status, and even national championship status is on the line.
3.       Night game is best game.
4.       I really do love the FSU band. They’re not as exciting as the Marching 101, but they have an amazing sound.
5.       Is it Saturday yet?

Friday, October 11, 2013

On Having a House Sailor (A Hoedown)



For those of you who have never seen Whose Line is it Anyway, or need a refresher course, please consult THIS link for the cadence of the hoedown.

When I was a House Elf, things were really nice
Rachel had good dishes, sharp knives and clean ice
I didn’t understand how great it was up there
Now down here in Clemson, I’m pulling out my hair

Our kitchen here in Clemson, in comparison is lacking
We’re missing lots of cookware and the counter top is cracking
Once I flooded the whole thing, it was really urgent
Where I should have put Finish®, I put laundry detergent

Well, as you know, Rachel came to see me
She said she’d be domestic, that would really please me
Little did she know, we live in the Dark Ages
Cooking here requires the wands of three Arch Mages

Impressively, though, she pulled it all off!
Chicken sliders, crescent rolls, and cold beer to quaff!
It was so delicious, but there was one mistake
We learned that candy corn does not like to bake

So far, so good on having a House Sailor
It’s been so much fun, I’ve needed an inhaler!
We’ve seen movies, we’ve gone rowing, and won trivia
In one month, our team has earned more than Bolivia

Tonight, what joy, Rachel’s brother will arrive!
Little does he know how she and I connive!
He’s bringing a lady friend, her first time in Clemson
She seems really nice, but can she out-drink an Ensign?

Only time will tell how this will all turn out
The football game, I do proclaim, should be a rout
But there is one thing that I will say for sure
Introducing novice and girlfriends, just like this line, can at times be awkward

The moral of the story is House Sailors are great
They cook for you, are tons of fun, and know how to date
There is one secret, but I’ll say it to myself
Having a House Sailor beats being a House Elf

Friday, October 4, 2013

On the Current Trivia Streak



I’ve been getting a lot of questions this week asking about our secret for success at “Tiger Town Tavern’s Terrific Twednesday Trivia” ©, as we have placed 1st or 2nd in the last four weeks. Many people have been saying hurtful things about cheating, accusing us of cell phone abuse during the game, and insinuating that we’ve been taking performance enhancing drugs. Frankly, the public has gotten out of hand with these allegations and we, as a team, would like to dispel the myths surrounding this situation. And maybe we’ll do a little showboating on top of that because, as you know, Randall Hill is our role model.

For starters, we would like to fervently deny any claims of cheating, whether through the use of cell phones or mental telepathy with Alex Trebek. In fact, the only boost our team gets is from Staff Sargent Zachary Greata’s savant-like knowledge of sports, history, sports history, historical sports, Tom Brady, and creative insults. Other players, myself included, often contribute as much to our downfall as to our success throughout the night. Why, just the other night, star player Alli Manhard confidently answered a question with “Ask Jeeves.” “Ask Jeeves” isn’t the right answer to anything except “Which search engine causes conjunctivitis?” 
The last time this was relevant, I thought Jeeves was a Pokemon.

I’m equally guilty as well, having almost answered a question about Space Invaders with “Space Aliens”, which under Nerd Law must result in ritualistic drowning in Mountain Dew.  

Thankfully, we either recover from these mistakes, or infuse our core team with (non-steroidal) injections from more capable and balanced members, depending on the week. Other key players include:
   Nolan Lacy: Rock and roll, video games, comic books, and virginity expert
   Savannah Hayes: Groundwater contamination, rowing, and Say Yes to the Dress expert*
   James Broemer: Movies, Pop culture and How-The-Hell-Would-You-Know-That expert
   Michael Massey: Chemistry, Frisbee sports, and Reddit culture expert
   Anne Lander: Cats
   Jason Bernard: Marines, guns, and creative insults expert

I’m also pleased to announce that our team will be picking up Rachel Baggett off of waivers next week in an attempt to round out our knowledge of pop culture, rock and roll, movies, and early bedtimes. 
Rise and shine, it's trivia time!

As you can see, with a stable as talented and deep as the one we have, the need to cheat is unnecessary and risky. Furthermore, our proprietary strategy ensures contention almost every week. While I cannot discuss all aspects of this strategy as part of our strict non-disclosure agreement, I will say that we model ourselves after the Oregon Ducks and change our team name weekly. We feel as though this provides our team with freshness and is very attractive to young recruits. It does make choosing the name of our dynasty challenging (“The Schizoid Curtain” or “The ‘Uncles with Benefits’ Repeat Offenders” do have a certain ring to them) but it’s hard to argue with the results.

That being said, we would like to encourage anyone to come spectate as we take on the field next week with our revamped starting lineup. I believe you will find us to be the most exciting, excitable, and humble team at the bar. If anyone would like to try out as a walk-on for next week’s team (tentatively and unabashedly named “Thinker, Sailor, Soldier, Ty (ler)”) please consult general manager Zachary Greata to perform the required physical, mental, and emotional fortitude assessments. In the words of the peerless Gretchen Wieners, “We’re sorry that people are so jealous of us... but we can't help it that we’re so popular. And good at trivia.” Thank you.

This is the most wonderful thing I have ever seen.
*Captain Ryan is definitely not a co-expert on Say Yes to the Dress

Notes:
1.       We promise that we’re just as surprised as you are at how well trivia has been going.
2.       We also promise that no cheating has occurred, aside from Zach’s savant-like knowledge of sports, which is very much real.
3.       For all the grief we give Alli, she has come through in the clutch quite a few times.
4.       Tiger Town Tavern Trivia skills/luck does not seem to translate quite so well to other arenas, particularly BGR trivia.
5.       Any and all Miley Cyrus questions should be banned.