Rob Unto Others

2:30 AM, Wednesday, CTG Headquarters

“Alright, everyone, let’s sit down and start this meeting. As usual, we will kick things off with the Cordoba Thieves Guild Pledge, so if everyone could please repeat after me:

‘On my honor, I will do my best, to do my duty to rob others of their material possessions. I will do so in a manner that brings honor to our cause by preying on the weak, inebriated, and foreign. I will wear my Choro Badge with pride and never consider the consequences of my actions.’

“I’d like to open by stating how proud I am of our recent accomplishments. This past summer, I was worried about the state of the CTG. Although we managed to rob one girl, the students of the University of Blas Pascal went about their business largely unmolested. Although I appreciate the huevos it took to rob a foreign girl walking alone, the quantity of robberies was…well, lacking. That said, thanks to the efforts of Pablo, Esteban, Pancho, and Bobo, we’ve had a stellar month of May. Really, I can’t thank these four enough for really turning up the heat on these foreign students when classes are getting tough. Taking advantage of your target's weaknesses is what this Guild is all about!”

“For those of you who haven’t heard about the good deeds of these four, allow me briefly recount them. We ask that you hold your applause until the end. First, Pablo, who has received the Thief’s Cross for his valor, robbed a girl in the street. However, a robbery alone does not earn one the Thief’s Cross. Pablo proceeded to assault the girl when she resisted. Pablo showed bravery in the face of the near-insurmountable danger of an unarmed woman. He really demonstrated that CTG spirit. Congratulations Pablo.”

“Next, Bobo kept with the theme and helped Esteban rob a different girl in the street. Despite an assault, I’m afraid we cannot award Bobo with a medal because he did not mentally break his target and she continues to have a positive disposition. Nevertheless, we should all be proud of Bobo’s work. Thank you Bobo.”

“Finally, in an act of bravery bordering on stupidity, Esteban and Pancho managed to do what was previously thought impossible: they robbed the same foreigner twice. One night, they broke into his house and stole the majority of his valuables, and then followed it up with a robbery in the streets. All told, they took every meaningful piece of his technology and nearly broke his spirit. I don’t know how they came up with this twisted plot, but they have been awarded the Thief’s Screw, the Guild’s highest honor for thoroughly screwing someone over. What assholes! Let’s all give these great thieves a round of applause!”

“In closing, I would like to encourage everyone to be mindful of their surroundings when out mugging tonight. The foreigners are now aware of our presence and likely a little more agitated than before. Please use caution during robberies. Remember to travel in pairs, stick to poorly lit areas, and never target anyone who deserves it. After all, we’re upstanding thieves here at the Cordoba Thieves Guild; corruption and large-scale robbery is the government's job. This meeting is adjourned. Have a blessed evening!

Notes:

1.     These four robberies really did occur. No one was critically injured, but a lot of goods were lost. I imagine a lot of faith in humanity was lost too.

2.     All in all, Cordoba is still a pretty safe city.

3.     We’ll return to a more light-hearted post this week.

4.     And hopefully I’ll actually get that post done this week.

5.     Don’t be assholes.