Captain Ryan: Back with a Vengeance (And Two Diplomas)

After an extended hiatus due in large part to the Clemson football team’s penchant for doling out crippling depression and hypertension, Captain Ryan has returned toting two shiny new pieces of paper. While an abundance of pomp (and circumstance) surrounds the reception of these papers, I feel that a more appropriate response to graduation would be quiet mourning, probably in a dark room, and definitely with something very Adele-like playing in the background. 

Congratulations 2013 Graduates! 

Sure, a diploma marks you as an accomplished member of society and can be a springboard to a bright future, but it also indicates one of the most jarring transitional periods since that whole “It’s a Boy” phase some 22 years prior. And although our parents celebrated our birth as they do graduation, they probably should have just silently lamented the evisceration of their money and free time to the dulcet tones of the Adele of the 90’s, Biggie Smalls. Mo’ Money, Mo’ Problems, right parents?!

I’ll see myself out.

For those of you who have yet to experience college graduation, let me break down the experience for you: it happens. The most important part is to wear your best clothes, since they will be covered almost entirely by a black robe. Next, make sure that you are seated directly in front of Tajh Boyd. This is a critical step and must not be overlooked. Clawing, biting, and catty remarks are all encouraged in an effort to attain this lofty position. Tajh himself will touch you on the shoulder and invite you downtown that evening. Do not faint. You still have to walk across that stage, and if you’re suffering from a Category 5 Tajh-swoon, you’ll risk tripping. 

You would not believe the amount of noise that can be produced by this man's parents. 

If that happens, it’s all over; don’t smile, don’t try to play it off, just walk out the back portal and into traffic. Otherwise, continue to the stage to receive your diploma and shake President Barker’s gloriously manicured hands. The worst is over, and the rest of your time can be spent gawking at the doctoral robes and listening to old men speak. Don’t forget to touch Tajh on the way out, though. You can add that little tidbit to your other encounters with Clemson legends, like when CJ Spiller touched you on the shoulder, or when you used the urinal adjacent to Sammy Watkins’ in Brackett Hall that one time. Magical.

Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, you can move on to bigger and better things, like the four D’s of graduation: Diploma, Debt, Despair, and Djob Hunting (The “D” is silent). The comfort of the collegiate womb is now behind you, and the bright new world is scary and unforgiving. Still, people have all accomplished this before, and most seem to have turned out all right. Just remember to learn from the mistakes of those who have gone before you, keep a positive outlook and never, ever, trust the Clemson football team in a rivalry game.

Warning: May cause Bipolar Disorder in Clemson fans

Notes:

1.     Thursday the 19^th marked my graduation from Clemson University. I have two degrees in Psychology and Spanish. Therefore, I am completely unmarketable.

2.     I’d like to thank my parents and my brother for making this entire run possible. I sincerely could not have done it without you guys.

3.     I did actually sit directly in front of Tajh Boyd for graduation. We chatted and he said my name once. It was no big deal. 

4.     Fortunately, I have some job opportunities lined up. Looks like I’ll either end up in Charlotte, Greenville, or Altanta in the next month.

5.     Soooo, what are you guys doing for New Years?