On Growing a Beard

After some preliminary testing in November, I have determined that I am going to pursue long-term maintenance of a beard. This is not a decision I have made lightly. It has been the result of weeks of deliberation, apparent homelessness, and relentless scratching. Ultimately, it appears that my employer truly is living up to its Equal Employment Opportunity standards by allowing a vagabond to represent them in business transactions, and I am grateful to have this opportunity to join the ranks of the Real Men™. Membership in this group is not something I will take for granted, and so, in order to prove my worthiness, I would like to document this beardly process. Similarly, if any other Beta males would like to follow in my feminine, French-manicured footsteps, I hope this guide will allow you to start your journey on the right equally-French-manicured foot.

Step 1: Shaving

Like preparing for a drag show, the first step in successful beard growth is first giving yourself a clean shave. This lets your face know that something important is happening. The face is a notoriously wily creature and will attempt to sabotage you every step of the way; shaving helps assert your dominance and demonstrate your own guile. Furthermore, with the exception of Vincent van Gogh (The “Pauper Painter,” known for painting on inferior canvases, leading to his notoriously blurry artwork), every artist should begin a masterpiece on a blank slate. A close shave will provide that canvas, and with the help of enough caffeine, may also cure you of your iron surplus.

"But I have anemia!"

Unrelated Side Note: Did anyone see that Marshawn Lynch run in the NFC Championship Game? That man has the grace and power of a gazelle made out of bowling balls. I bet he gave himself a close shave before growing that menacing goatee.

Only diamond razors can cut Marshawn Lynch's hair. If he gives them permission.

Step 2: Brutal Waiting

Beard growth is a game that requires patience, and if you’re like me, the capacity to laugh at yourself in the mirror. Once you move past the forgiving 5 o’clock shadow phase and into the Oh-God-It’s-Long-And-Patchy phase, you sacrifice your dashing good looks and assume the appearance of your favorite vagrants. People may stare, parents will forbid their children from speaking with you, and the disappointment in your friends’ eyes when you go to nice restaurants will be palpable. And woe is you if you have more than a smattering of red in your beard. Nothing is less flattering on the mythical creature spectrum than sporting a Leprechaun beard that contrasts with your chestnut Sasquatch head hair. If you suffer from a similar affliction, surrender now. Mudbeards are a pox on the muggle community just as Mudbloods are a pox on the wizarding community.

You just know this little brat would grow a better beard than Hagrid if she put her mind to it, though.

Step 3: Probably Scabies

I don’t know exactly what happens in week two or three of beard growth, but it is like contracting beard lice covered in itching powder. In my professional opinion, I think the beard has become sentient by this point and realizes just how atrociously destitute you look. In an attempt to save face (Puns are even funnier when you draw attention to them!), the beard sneaks off during the night and rubs itself in poison ivy. The resulting itching is supposed to encourage you to shave and return to proper society, but it is critical that you do not yield at this point. This is a test to determine your worthiness to sport facial hair, and the meek and sensitively-skinned will not survive. If you can endure this final act of insubordination by your beard, you will have gained dominion over it and may finally advance into the realm of Respectable Beardliness.

Step 4: Trim and Celebration

After some weeks, your beard will have potential, but like an adolescent Labradoodle, it should be cut before being allowed into polite society. 

Aww! This Labradoodle is shaved like a lion -- eunuch of the jungle!

Using an electric razor with a guard, trim your beard a few millimeters in order to obtain a consistent length. And for the love of sweet bearded Moses, remove the neck beard. Unless you are a direct descendent of Abraham Lincoln himself, you have no business sporting that breed of facial hair. Once you have trimmed and purged the neck beard, you are ready complete the final tasks in becoming a Real Man™. It is my understanding that you are required to fell a tree and purchase flannel.  I have recently completed the former, and upon purchase of a flannel onesie, I will report back to you all the mysteries and wonders of Real Manhood™.

Notes:

1.     After a successful No-Shave November, I decided that I would grow a beard if it wouldn’t interfere with employment. It didn’t, so now I can nuzzle a fire to life.

2.     I do, however, suffer a rather lengthy “Homeless Phase,” which is not evenly remotely flattering.

3.     Some folks are capable of growing a beard seemingly overnight. These folks are what Gillette calls “Upper Management Bonus Donors” and make me sick with envy.

4.     I recommend that everyone who is capable try growing a beard once. Even if you’re not capable, the rest of us will enjoy your patchiness.

5.     I really did fell a tree with an axe. My beard grew an inch that day.