Amsterdam May Not be Right for Everyone

Unbeknownst to most travelers, Euro Disney isn’t located in Paris. The real Disney World for adults in Europe is in Amsterdam. I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “Handsome Blog Writer, Sir, what possible fun activities are there to do in Amsterdam? Isn’t that a Dutch city? Doesn’t the Dutch idea of a good time involve drinking tulip juice, wearing wooden shoes, and inexplicably painting everything orange?” You’re stereotypes are well founded, but there is a flaw in your thinking. They drink Amstel. However, the Dutch do have some redeeming qualities, hard as that may be to believe. They’re incredibly welcoming, very accommodating to dumb American tourists, and have one thing that makes Amsterdam the most popular tourist destination for college-aged students: bike riding.           

Unlike most western cities, bike riding is legal in Amsterdam and often even encouraged. It’s easy enough to walk into the local bike shop and simply get the bike you need. There’s no third party, no middleman, no awkward conversation with the guy that dresses in Rasta gear with the nose ring who usually gets your bike supplies for you. However, Amsterdam’s system allows the city to regulate biking, providing a safe and legal community for cycling aficionados to enjoy. It’s a great system for the city as well. The city gets tax money from all of the bike stores, so bike rental actually helps keep the city clean and functional. This way, the city is profiting from biking rather than allocating taxpayer money to enforce unnecessary cycling regulations.

           

You might argue the biking is dangerous or unhealthy. Or you might contend that bike riding is a gateway vehicle that will lead to the use of Segways, forklifts, or Hummers. But we saw no evidence to support those claims. Plenty of people were biking in Amsterdam both day and night, and we never witnessed any major accidents. There were no Hummers or forklifts and we only witnessed one or two people using Segways. In fact, compared to the usual vices a city can offer (carpooling, public transit, rollerskates), biking is a safe alternative, especially with the system Amsterdam has in place.

           

Biking isn’t for everyone. Common side effects include nausea, weakness in the legs, and shortness of breath. Consult a doctor if you have any symptoms of vertigo, persistent or vivid hallucinations, or difficulty walking, as these may be signs of a more serious condition. Biking should not be used in conjunction with alcohol or any other drugs. Women who are nursing, pregnant, or may become pregnant should not bike while in Amsterdam. People with a history of asthma, emphysema, or pneumonia should consult a doctor before riding a bike in Amsterdam. After all, there are a lot of people smoking pot.

Notes:

1.     Amsterdam is a beautiful city. The canals add a touch of Venice (but much cleaner), the atmosphere is very laid back, and there’s something for everyone here.

2.     If you go to Amsterdam, be sure to check out the Burger Bar near the Flying Pig Downtown Hostel. The kobe beef burger is a religious experience.

3.     Yes, there will be plenty of people smoking pot and many opportunities for you to do so if you desire. But that’s not all the city offers.

4.     Some enterprising young genius decided to make a cat shelter on a boat in the middle of a canal. There is no escape from Al-Cat-Traz (that was a stretch, I know)

5.     In all seriousness, definitely rent a bike and use it to ride around the city. It’s a unique experience, and the city is designed to make it simple even for tourists.

Italy is Really Cool to the Homeless. And Anthony DeCocco.

    I spent spring break doing a tour of Italy. It’s a lot like the Olive Garden dish but with more emphasis on pizza and your servers are Turks. We flew into Milan first, which for me is like entering Hell except that Hell has more interesting people. Milan and I have a history. My first time in Italy, Milan acted the T-rex in Jurassic Park to our electric park rover, forcing us to stay very still until we were rescued by some guy waving a flare. Or something. After spending a few hours in traffic, we spent another few frantically and almost unsuccessfully searching for a hotel while trying to navigate the M.C. Escher painting that is the Milanese road system. Milan knows I have PTSD from our first encounter, and being the unmerciful bastard that it is, resolved to mess with me again.

            Milan decided that two airports were not enough. Malapensa Airport is actually on the complete opposite side of Milan than Bergamo Airport. Since we were flying into Bergamo, we booked a hostel there for one night. Upon arriving in Bergamo, we not-so-quickly realized that we were in fact in Malapensa Airport. There are few panics similar to the one when you realize that you’re actually 100 miles from your intended destination, and I may have soiled myself. Fortunately, we calmed down and found out that we could reach Bergamo and our hostel in about two hours by bus and train, so we finally crawled into bed around 1:30 AM after changing underwear. And don’t try to tell me this was our fault for booking a plane to the wrong airport. Milan made us do it. Did I mention it was snowing when we landed? Milan greeted us with snow on our first day of spring break. Don’t even bother defending this city to me.

            After our one night in Bergamo (better than Milan), we took Narnia Railways to Genoa. On separate journeys, members of our group rode from sunny, Mediterranean weather into a tunnel. Upon exiting the tunnel, it was cloudy and snowing. And not that wimpy Milanese snow; it was inches deep. After going through another long tunnel, we were greeted with Mediterranean weather again. The only logical explanation is that there are two train-sized wardrobes in each tunnel. Mr. Tumnus could not be reached for questioning.

            Genoa quickly vaulted its way into one of my favorite European cities. Its weather matched Barcelona’s, it had great food, and its late-night Kwik-E-Marts were among the dodgiest I’ve ever visited. During our time in Genoa, we hiked Cinque Terre, which directly translates to “Five Lands” and loosely translates to “You won’t even believe how many cats are here. Seriously, they own an entire town.” Cinque Terre was amazing and probably the highlight of the trip, but some of the easier routes were closed because of “rock slides,” which I think is Italian for “overwhelming laziness.” The fact of the matter is we made a lot of cat friends that day and located the mythical cat city of San Bernandino. There are no people in San Bernandino, and the cats live in perfect harmony with nature in their town atop a mountain overlooking the sea.  What I’m really trying to say is we found Catlantis. But I digress.

Florence was awesome. You should have been there. Too bad you were elsewhere, not lounging around eating Panini and watching the homeless soap opera that unfolded every day. It was a real tearjerker.

            I did a repeat of Rome after Florence. There were still as many Turks hawking things as last time, but I at least I knew their weakness this time around: Spanish. Later, I did a frantic search for nature and finally found some on the last day, savoring the grass between my toes and the goose droppings glued to the bottom of my heel. That evening I met up with Rirrian, who studies in Rome and is, how to put this properly, “totes cool, brah.” She was kind enough to inform me that Rome also likes to have public transportation strikes at the most inconvenient times and saved us from being stuck in Italy another day against our will, eating delicious food and wandering through eternal sites from the founding of Western civilization.

Notes:

1.     South Park and cats were the things we consumed most on this trip.

2.     “Consuming cats,” means making friends with them, not eating them. Probably.

3.     Really, if anyone ever decides to eradicate the hellhole that is Milan, I will not mourn it. Milan is dead to me.

4.     It’s still amazing to think that I’ve been to the cradle of Western civilization twice. Rome is absolutely amazing,

5.     Turkish hawkers can pack up their goods with alarming speed when a cop comes moseying up the Spanish Steps. If packing up illegal goods under duress were an Olympic sport, Turkey would never lack a gold medal.

6.     Pesto might be the greatest sauce in the history of creation. And Florence homeless people might be the most deranged in the history of creation.

7.     Cinque Terre is easily one of the most beautiful places on the Mediterranean. Make a point to go there if you get the opportunity.

8.     I had ice cream (gelato) for the first time in three years on this trip. I’m considering starting a new religion with gelato as the deity.