A Day in the Life of a Housemale

As a housemale, I often have upwards of two required daily activities to accomplish, which may take close to an hour to complete. Since my day starts at 6:30 or earlier (depending on what time Ensign Baggett has to go play Call of Duty: Maritime Shenanigans 2), simple math shows that I have nearly 27 hours of free time every day. As you will see, some of that time is spent productively, while some of that time is spent teaching virtual zombies about their parasympathetic nervous system and why I should be called "The Pain Train." But enough about zombie physiology. Let me tell you about more about what a new housemale can expect during the course of a typical day.

Make sure you stab it right in the giblets. No, the other giblets. Next to the nose

4:45 AM: Is your Ensign going to work instead of school today? Get up before the sun so you can greet the sun and the birds! Alternatively, stare at the wall until 6:30, when you would otherwise be getting up. Keep sobbing to a minimum!

6:30 AM: Is your Ensign going to school? Congratulations! You will be following a human schedule today. Hit that snooze button twice. You're still allowed to sob, but do so quietly into the pillow.

6:40 AM: Get up and make coffee for your Ensign. While it’s brewing, buff your “Best Housecreature” medal to a sparkling shine while making whipping noises with your mouth. You know your place!

Somebody is wearing these in the house. It’s not you.  

7:15 AM: Escort your Ensign to the car and bid her adieu. Don’t forget to ask permission to use the bathroom today! After the coffee, your ensign should be content enough to grant your request.

7:30 AM: Go run 3+ miles. No one wants a fat housemale. Fat housemales don't get bathroom privileges.

8:30 AM: Shower and breakfast. If you didn’t get bathroom permission today, wash yourself in the sink. Eat…whatever, I don’t know. Something that’s lying around. If it tastes like plastic, spit it back out. Just because your Ensign is gone doesn’t mean you’re entirely helpless. Pull yourself together.

9:00 AM: Spanish practice. This may consist of reading, watching Los Simpson, talking to your Argentine friends, or eating leftover tacos. Arriba, am I right?

10:00 AM: It’s time for finance and economics. Get your uneducated ass over to khanacademy.org and listen to Sal explain the Three B’s of Finance: Bonds, Banking, and Roth IRAs.

11:00 AM: It’s lunchtime, but you ate all of the tacos for Spanish practice already. If your Ensign didn’t leave any food out for you, the nice Chinese lady across the street will make you something if you throw enough green paper at her.

12:00 PM: If your Ensign is in school right now, there’s a chance he or she may be home already. If so, take this opportunity to annoy them until they threaten to take away tomorrow’s bathroom privileges. Otherwise, do your chores, Cinderella.

They’ll offer to help you with the plumbing. Don’t make eye contact until you’ve got the broom.

2:00 PM: Those zombies have probably been lulled into a warm, lethargic false sense of security by now. Punish them. Quietly. They have excellent hearing and you’re tastier than Spanish practice.

3:00 PM: Activities hour! Singing, dancing, coloring, gymnastics! Whatever activity you want, just as long as it’s fabulous! Go make a casserole you silly goose!

4:00 PM: Better strap that apron on! After activities hour, it’s time to start cooking for you and your Ensign! Put on some Madonna, turn on the oven, and make sure you get under those fingernails with that apricot scrub!

There’s a “Like a Virgin” joke here somewhere, but for the life of me, I can’t find it.

5:00 PM: Eat dinner. Drink beer and watch Sportscenter until you flush the entire Madonna out of your system. Don’t stop. If you think Sean Penn’s actions were justified, you’ve gone too far. Go directly to jail. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200. 

6:00 PM: Go rowing with your Ensign. OR, continue drinking until bedtime (9:30 or 11:00, again depending on whether your Ensign is in school or is playing Tugboat Tomfoolery). If you went rowing, complete the latter option once you return.

So, as you can see, a housemale plays an integral part in the day-to-day functioning of the apartment. Without us, the Ensigns would have to buy their own food, cook their own dinners, and issue bathroom bans to random strangers. Also, just so you all know, waking up at 4:45, like mustard gas and one-ply toilet paper, should be illegal. Write to your congressmen about this. It’s just foul.