On Appendicitis

Last Thursday marked not only South Carolina’s second snowstorm of the year, but also the first of this year’s seven requisite Captain Ryan’s Inopportune Medical Emergencies. Like all other of the past Inopportune Medical Emergencies, this one was anticipated to be another bout of food poisoning but ended not with a renewed appreciation for Bidet, but with the loss of my most treasured vestigial organ. 

The coccyx, on the other hand, is a pain in the ass. 

But before I start dissecting this story, the stage must be set:

‘Twas the night of the snowstorm, with all the stores boarded

Praise be to sense, ‘twas not bread I had hoarded

With power still on, and back from a walk,

“I’ll cook if you clean!” the Liverbird squawked.

She made us spaghetti; I’ll admit I was nervous

I silently held a private prayer service.

But lo, I was wrong – it was quite delicious

I begged her pardon for my comments so vicious.

And everything went smoothly until midnight, at which point I woke up and immediately thought I had spoken too soon. Memories of long nights spent with Bidet in Argentina flooded back into my mind, but fortunately, the symptoms were different and less, let’s say…confining. When I woke up again at 4 AM for the same problem, I knew something was wrong, but it didn’t stop me from sleeping. The next morning, I learned from the Liverbird’s chipper disposition that the second coming of the dreaded Bowel Monster had clearly not interrupted her sleep. Knowing that Liverbirds are blessed with exceptionally corrosive stomach acid, I couldn’t decide if she had avoided the food poisoning or if I had contracted something else.

Admittedly, appendicitis was at the forefront of my mind, based on a deep-seeded fear that all of my digestive organs secretly have vendettas against me. However, I didn’t have any of the usual symptoms: my pain was minimal, I experienced no nausea or fever, and the results of prodding my abdomen were more “Pillsbury Dough Boy” than “Murder-Me-Elmo” in nature. At the advice of my sister-in-law and mother, who I had initially written off as append-alarmists, I begrudgingly made Livebird drive me to the hospital.

"To the ER, Liverbird. My tummy is upset"

To make a short story long, after waiting seven hours for a CT scan and having more blood drawn from me than a rural Mexican goat, the doctors confirmed that I had appendicitis and hadn’t been faking it all along. In their defense, I thought I was faking it all along too. It was pretty rewarding to know that I had a legitimate issue and hadn’t wasted the nurses’ time with a crippling instance of Constipation Complaints. After the diagnosis, I was informed that I couldn’t eat or drink any water, which was great because I hadn’t done that for the past 7 hours anyway, and I had long since forgotten what hunger felt like. So around midnight, they wheeled me into surgery, told me a lovely anecdote about the effects of anesthesia, and before I kn-

I woke up without an appendix and three new scars! After forcing the nurses to allow me to eat everything in sight and having another 15 liters of blood drawn, I was allowed to leave my new home. With a brief visit from my parents and my mom’s generous donation of Laura Lynn Non-Aspirin…

"We're not legally required to tell you what it is, but we assure you, it's not aspirin."

…I was well on my road to recovery. Which is great, because I’m sick of writing about food poisoning.

Notes:

1.     A big thanks to Liverbird, who went above and beyond her roommate duties in taking me to the hospital and staying through the surgery and recovery.

2.     Another big thanks to Jeff, Sarah, Kyle, and my parents for buying my food, tying my shoes, and taking me for walks off the leash.

3.     Jeff determined that the reason I didn’t experience much pain was due to the location of the infection – most people get the infection in the bottom of the appendix, which causes it to swell and press on a nerve. I had an infection at the top of mine, which caused little swelling near any nerves.

4.     The hospital was kind enough to snap a photo of my appendix as they were snipping it. I’m going to treasure this memento forever.

5.     All things considered, an appendectomy is markedly easier than having your wisdom teeth out. It’s important to note that wisdom teeth can’t explode and kill you, though.