First off, sorry about the delay in writing this. I was so busy rescuing Belgian orphans from house fires this week that I never had enough time to sit down and start this post. Anyway, I spent my last weekend in Barcelona. I’m now going to explain to you, in detail, why Barcelona is better than your favorite city, better than you, and nearly better than Natalie Portman. It’s statistically impossible for anything to actually be better than Natalie Portman, but Barcelona sure tries.
WHY BARCELONA IS BETTER THAN YOUR FAVORITE CITY:
Because your favorite city wishes it could be Barcelona, that’s why. Your favorite city wishes it could speak Spanish. Your favorite city would love to have 60-degree sunny weather every day in the winter. Your favorite city is jealous that Barcelona is located on the Mediterranean Sea and that laying out on the beach is perfectly reasonable in February. Your favorite city yearns to have Camp Nou and FC Barcelona, which are both better than your favorite city’s best stadium and best sports team. Basically, your favorite city is Robin to Barcelona’s Batman, or that little, gimpy, traitorous humpback in 300 to Barcelona’s King Leonidas.
WHY BARCELONA IS BETTER THAN YOU:
Have you seen yourself recently? You’ve really let yourself go over there. Seriously, go check the mirror. Barcelona hasn’t let itself go. In fact, judging by the cranes that litter the skyline, Barcelona is gearing up for one monstrous facelift, even though Barcelona is already more attractive than you. And it’s smarter than you too. It created the ideal formula for siesta, something even Einstein never accomplished. In fact, Barcelona is pretty much better than you at everything. It’s a better cook, a better cleaner, a better listener, and it remembers to lock the door when it leaves for the night. Barcelona is the perfect roommate. The only thing you’re better at than Barcelona is pissing me off, and that’s only because Barcelona is incapable of making me anything but happy. But if Barcelona could piss me off, it would be better at it than you.
WHY BARCELONA IS NEARLY BETTER THAN NATALIE PORTMAN:
As previously stated, it’s impossible for anything to be equal to or better than Natalie Portman. Even trying to think of something better than Natalie Portman is a crime against humanity, punishable by 30 years in prison and a forced viewing of every one of Rob Schneider’s movies. But Barcelona gets as close as legally and physically possible to equaling Natalie Portman. Barcelona is almost as attractive, has appeared in almost as many movies, also speaks multiple languages, and is also part Jewish. In fact, Barcelona surpasses Natalie in one respect because it is not pregnant or engaged to someone that isn’t me. But it can still never be better. I love you though, Barcelona.
Notes:
1. In case it wasn’t clear, I really love Barcelona, particularly the lifestyle there. It’s one of the few places I’ve been where I just do not care about what time it is or what I have to do. It’s very relaxing.
2. They do futbol (soccer) justice in Camp Nou, the stadium where the local soccer team, FC Barcelona, plays. The stadium holds 98,000, there’s not a bad seat in the house, and the team is REALLY good. Lionel Messi is arguably the best player in soccer, and most of the team was on the Spanish national squad that won the World Cup. Tickets are expensive, but witnessing a Messi hat trick in person is worth it.
3. Barcelona’s seagulls aren’t from Hell. Another point to Barcelona.
4. This post is referencing no one in particular in the “Better Than You” section. Don’t get your undies in a bunch over it.
5. I finally felt useful in the language department. I can speak broken but functional Spanish and was able to converse with some of the natives decently. It feels really good to survive a conversation with someone who can’t speak English and be able to hold your own.
6. That said, Catalan is a dirty bastard language who enjoys harassing tourists and has no business in functional society. And it drowns puppies. Probably.
No comments:
Post a Comment