For those of you who weren’t with me for my European
adventures two years ago, I do a series of articles entitled “Clash of the
Continents” where I compare the country I’m visiting to good ol’ ‘Murica. In
the past, the PIPs (Portman Isn’t Preggers) system was used, but in lieu of
Natalie’s infuriatingly successful transition into motherhood and marriage,
that system will be eschewed in favor of the MADs (Martin Avoids Death) system.
The MADs system will function in a similarly hypothetically fashion, where 1
MADs indicates that the item in question causes me to believe that George R.R.
Martin, author of famed series A Song of
Ice and Fire, will suffer a maddeningly ill-timed coronary embolism in the
next week, leaving the series unfinished. 10 MADs indicates my belief that
George R.R. Martin is simply an obese highlander, and will have no trouble
finishing the series alive, and with the utter destruction of the Lannister
household. As always, these opinions are based on limited personal experiences,
so if you feel as though I’m misrepresenting an aspect of one culture or the
other, keep it to yourself because you’re wrong.
THINGS THE UNITED STATES GOT RIGHT:
Meals – Now before everyone gets their pantelones in a pile,
I want to stress that this isn’t a complaint about the food itself. Food here
is delicious, heavily based in meat and bread products, and will result in me
suffering a coronary embolism like George R.R. Martin. The meal hours and
customs, however, are difficult to adapt to and seemed to be based on some sort
of hybrid metric-time system that baffles me. Breakfast happens when you wake
up and consists of nothing. If you’re starving, a piece of bread and coffee/tea
is acceptable, but any more than that is considered gluttonous. Lunch seems to
have evolved in a similar manner to lunch in the US, occurring in the early
afternoon. Then Dinner decided to hit the snooze button a couple hundred times,
because it doesn’t arrive until 11:00 PM. Tea time gets called in to work
around 5:00 or 6:00 to cover for Dinner, but it lacks the necessary training
and really is nothing more than a unqualified scab in this labor force metaphor
I accidentally made up. Therefore, I’m awarding 4 MADs to the US meal system
for not forcing me to stay awake to eat dinner, which I think is illegal under
the Geneva Convention.
Money – Those of you who read my past articles will remember
my general disdain for the Monopoly rip-off that passed as European currency.
Argentine currency lacks the simple austerity that I admire about US dolla,
dolla bills, ya’ll, but is not nearly as flamboyant as the Euro. Nevertheless,
due in large part to inflation here, new money isn’t printed as commonly as in
the states, and coins are a rarity. In many cases, when I’m buying my manzanas
(apples) and bananas (bananas), I won’t receive full change because the
supermarket simply doesn’t have the coins. On top of that, US currency is
treasured here because of its stability internationally, so a sort of gray
market exists where people are willing to pay more than the international
exchange rate in pesos for dollars. US dollars get 6 MADs because a thin dollar
rain in the states could cause a dangerous peso flood on the Argentine gray
market.
Screens – This one really befuddles me, in part because
harsher substitutes are already in place here. But there are no screens on any
of the windows. On one hand, this makes sense, because no it doesn’t. There are
thick metal shudders to prevent intruders, and glass windows to keep out the
cold, but both permit mosquitoes easy access to my succulent ankles. There’s no
air conditioning, so a hypothetical screen wouldn’t let out cold air, and would
prevent my blood from being all over the wall where I kill mosquitoes that are
too bloated on O+ to get away. I’m not sure if screens are necessarily perfect
since mosquitoes can sometimes get through them, but since I keep my window
shuddered at night anyway to prevent attacks from larger flying insects,
colloquially called “Home Invaders,” I don’t see how a screen is any more
confining. 8 MADs to screened windows in the US for understanding that the
number 1 killer worldwide can be prevented by a few ounces of mesh.
Technology Prices – Poor Argentines. Due to an import tax on
foreign technology, things like cell phones, laptops, tablets, and gum are
marked up significantly here. In fact, the first month of my time here is being
funded by me smuggling in a Nexus 10 tablet from the states and having my tutor
pay me for it in pesos. What cost me $400 at home would cost $1000 here (in
dollars, not pesos), so being an international Han Solo is a win-win situation
for everyone except the Argentine government. Those of you who will travel here
in the future would do well to remember to bring the three C’s: Cell Phones (to
sell), Chicle (gum, to give as a gift), and Reciprocity Tax ($160, charged to
US citizens traveling to Argentina because we charge that much to Argentines
for US Visas). 9 MADs to US technology for being cheap, well designed, and
created in China.
THINGS ARGENTINA GOT RIGHT:
Nightlife – I’ve discussed this already, so I won’t dwell on
it for too long, but the nightlife in the US is more closely related to a daycare
than it is to the nightlife here. In Clemson, for example, everyone’s bedtime
is at 2:00 AM and there’s always that one kid who ate a little too much paste
vomiting in the corner. Woe unto you if
you even consider returning home at 2:00 AM here. The “Abuelo” (grandpa)
nickname has been bestowed upon me here because I can’t make it past 5:00 AM,
which is when some of my friends back home are waking up to be functioning
members of society. Still, it’s incredibly fun to be out that late, especially
since no one has had to go home from a paste overdose yet. 6 MADs to the
Argentine nightlife for making all of my friends back home hate me.
Sweets – Having long held the banner for Excellence in
Obesity and Diabetes Embiggening, the United States surprisingly pales in terms
of the quality and quantity of sweets it produces. Sure we’ve got the classic
M&M’s, the pompous 100 Grand, and the I-Thought-You-Said-Something-Else-Entirely
Snickers, but Argentina has those items (or their cheaper, Latino cousins) plus
an entire aisle full of other sugary delights, bonbons, cookies, and
sweetmeats, which Thesaurus.com has told me is a suitable substitute for
“candy,” but really just makes me uncomfortable. In this author’s humble
opinion, the words “sweet” and “meat” should never be united, much like the
words “toe” and “jam,” or “Spanish” and “essay.” What I’m trying to say is that
Argentines appear to only believe in three food groups (bread, meat, and
sweetmeat) while still being able to maintain their svelte figures. Oh, and the
sweets are better here. 7 MADs to Argentine sweets for totally derailing that
paragraph into a lexical nightmare.
Street Dogs – A little known fact about Cordoba is that
there are 17.33 street dogs for every person living in the city. Another fun
fact is that the Argentine street dogs follow a contraception program that is
exactly the opposite of the one employed by Jurassic Park scientists, and is
equally ineffective. Somehow, with an entirely male population (I have yet to
see a female street dog), the number of street dogs appears to be holding
steady at a ludicrously high rate. I’m pretty sure they even outnumber pigeons,
which should be biologically impossible according to the food chain. However,
if there’s one thing I’ve learned about Argentina, it’s that the animals lower
on the totem pole have a murderously high level of disdain for the
aforementioned food chain. For evidence, I will cite the mosquitoes, which,
after entirely devouring me in three days time, will claim the right to fight
the street dogs for the Apex Predator Championship. At least the street dogs
are better behaved and tend to not bite my feet at night much. 8 MADs to the
street dogs here for tending to not bite my feet at night much.
Lomitos – What do a fried egg, sliced beef, cheese, lettuce,
tomatoes, banana peppers, and 2 or 3 gallons of mayonnaise have in common? If
you screamed “FOREPLAY!” entirely too loudly from the back of the room, then
congratulations, you have been entered into the National Sex Offender Registry.
There will be no appeals process. If you’ve been patiently waiting for the
answer while Hester the Molester is escorted from the room, the correct
response is “Lomito.” Which in hindsight does not accurately answer the
question. Basically a lomito is a sub sandwich with the aforementioned ingredients
that has no business being as delicious as it is. I suppose it could be used in
foreplay, but that would really be a waste of a delicious sandwich, and I don’t
really want to consider the logistics of that process. Suffice it to say that
lomitos are delicious, and if I get obese here, that’s going to be the
likeliest culprit. 9 MADs to the lomito for being a delicious sandwich that
isn’t used in foreplay.
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