After two adventures abroad exploring an abundance of
new territories, restaurants, and health care systems,
Captain Ryan will go quietly into that good night and try his hand at domesticity.
During my time in Norfolk, I will fulfill the duties entrusted to any obedient
house elf (cleaning, cooking, groveling, etc.) while trying to prepare for my
final semester at Hogwarts. It’s my hope that this experience will also provide
the motivation I need after graduation to endear myself to potential employers
with my self-discipline and superior groveling. As I’m sure the following
little-known facts about the military housemale lifestyle will show, the life
of a glorified Alfred can be challenging and exciting, particularly if your
normal responsibilities are limited to bi-weekly self-grooming.
“I swore to your muvva and favva that I would protect you from the
dangers of stovetop cooking, Miss Baggett.”
You invent chores for
yourself
In the future, I will detail what a normal day in the life
of a military housemale is like, but for the time being, let’s just say that I
wake up early enough to watch the ever-present Canadian geese sleeping before a
busy day of indiscriminate pooping. The geese that is. I am very discriminating
about such behavior. The point is, since I don’t have a “job” per-se, my daily
activities are largely based around completing chores, studying and
self-improvement, and whimsical housemale endeavors (read: videogames). As
such, after a long day of Navying, Rachel will often ask what I’ve been up to
that day. On a productive day when a lot of chores need to be done, I can
respond confidently with a list of accomplishments and expect an appreciative
pat on the head or sometimes even a milkbone. On days when I have little to do
around the apartment (and the number of daily chores in a small apartment is
surprisingly finite), conversations may go something like this:
Rachel: “So what did you do today?”
Tyler: “I…recalibrated the TV. And dusted the pillows.”
Rachel: “Oh cool! What’s the TV do differently now?”
Tyler: “…It starts with the PS3 showing instead of the TV
shows.”
Rachel: “So you played videogames all day?
Tyler: “Yes…”
And then I’ll get sent to my room with no dinner. But the
joke’s on her because then she has to cook it herself. The moral of the story
is to make sure your military significant other is technologically illiterate
so you can spout off an endless stream of “upgrades” to your home entertainment
system as your daily chores.
Jackpot.
You learn the minute
differences between local stores
The greater Virginia Beach area is unique in that it has
literally an infinite number of Food Lions and no two are the same. For
instance, the apartment I’m Alfreding for has two doors: a porch door and a
front door. Stepping onto the porch provides a beautiful vista overlooking the
neighborhood Food Lion. Except for the apartment of those softheaded stooges in
205, walking out the front door would provide another magnificent perspective
of a completely different neighborhood Food Lion. They are separated by less
than a mile. They are also as similar as pecan pies and cow pies.
Although sometimes I
wonder…
The preferred Food Lion is inaccessible walking, but boasts
employees with vocabularies exceeding 5 grunts, produce without claw marks, and
shopping carts from this century. The other Food Lion does not boast any of
these things. In fact, the only thing it boasts about is its diverse selection
of turkey boasters on Aisle 3. But I can walk there, so there’s that. The geese
even greet me as I walk by with a chorus of honks and a fresh batch of goose
pies.
Social activities are
a luxury
Being new to the area and not a member of any socially
acceptable institutions (Rachel dies a little inside when I talk about my Solitaire
club), my social life is entirely dependent on my military significant other’s
activities. Like a puppy/house elf hybrid, I eagerly await adventures outside
with my master. Sometimes I get introduced to new people and sometimes I get to
see old friends again, but I never stop eagerly licking strangers’ faces. As a
military housemale, during the day I may be left alone in my crate at home,
especially if I didn’t complete the compulsory number of chores the prior day.
“Better stick this
back in the fork slot before Rachel notices.”
As far as I know, normal people tend to be occupied during
crate hours, so in the evenings and on the weekends, I relish my opportunities to
interact with other military folks. Hopefully this will change since I’ve
recently joined a rowing club. Although half of the members are collecting
Social Security at this point, there are a number of college-aged students who
may also be free during the day and willing to take a housemale for a walk or
squirrel chasing. So for you potential military house-creatures out there,
remember, the Alfred lifestyles has a variety of perks, but you will need to
find ways to be productive, self-entertaining creatures of society during the
day. Just remember to turn off the electricity before returning utensils to
their respective slots.
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