Amateur Hour

Capping off the ten-day blitz with my brother and Andrew was a trip to Barcelona. As I think I’ve made it abundantly clear to everyone who has ever met me about how I feel about Barcelona (I love Barcelona more than Spaniards love doing nothing), I’ve decided to devote this post to informing you on the best way to handle a repeat trip to your favorite city. Let’s start from the beginning:

PACKING:

      It’s the most essential part of any trip and sets the tone for how your vacation will unfold. Will you be frustrated because you forgot your contact lens solution? Pleasantly surprised that you remembered to bring scissors? Devastated because you only brought one pair of pants and they just happened to be the ones with the mustard stain on them? If you’re like me (you’re not; I’m a unique snowflake), you will remember the essentials: clothes, basic toiletries, shoes, a razor, a scalpel, scissors, a larger pair of scissors, and your computer. It’s important to bring ALL of these things to Barcelona because you can’t trust the Spanish medical system. It’s always “Mañana” this and “It’s just a splinter” that when you’re clearly in need of a serious surgical procedure because who knows what bacteria dirty Spanish 2x4’s have.

GETTING TO THE AIRPORT:

     Make sure you get to the train station on time. After packing all of those necessities, you’re going to be a little behind schedule, so go to the proper platform and hop on the earliest train to the airport. When you realize that the train you wanted is actually two feet away on the adjacent platform, go there. If you’re like me (you still aren’t), you’ll come to this realization as the train you want is pulling away.

WAITING FOR THE NEXT TRAIN TO THE AIRPORT ON THE PROPER PLATFORM:

    Do that.

AIRPORT SECURITY:

    Take off all of your metal accessories and belt. Don’t forget your coat, either. Put all of these things in the plastic bins and put your bag on the security belt. After the bag goes through, collect your belongings and wait for the security guard to come over and tell you that you forgot to remove your laptop. Remove your laptop and send your things through screening again. Again, wait for the security guard to come over and inform you that there appears to be some contraband in your bag. Open your bag and allow her to confiscate your larger pair of scissors and your razor. Stand very still and chuckle silently as she forgets to confiscate your scalpel. Then wonder why you brought a scalpel. Finally pack up the remainder of your toiletries and head to the terminal. Be glad that your bag feels significantly lighter.

REALIZING YOUR BAG FEELS SIGNIFICANTLY LIGHTER BECAUSE YOU LEFT YOUR COMPUTER AT THE SECURITY CHECKPOINT:

    Do that too.

PANICKING:

    Wait, wait, wait. No. Don’t panic. Decide to steal someone else’s laptop for the weekend because checking the results of the NCAA tournament is significantly better on a laptop than a smart phone. After all, you’ll return it when you get back. That way, karma won’t bite you in the ass later. Realize that you have a smart phone and don’t need the laptop that you left in the safest location in the airport until you get back. Call the airport in the morning. Enjoy Barcelona.

I hope this guide allows you to have the most stressful yet successful trip to your ideal location possible. I hope my mistakes will inspire you to do the same in your future endeavors and then complain loudly to everyone in earshot how you’re an imbecile. And I sincerely hope, more than anything ever, that Natalie Portman breaks up with her fiancée.

Notes:

1.     I really did pack all of those things, miss the train even though it was right next to me, and leave my computer at the airport. I swear I was entirely sober and entirely idiotic.

2.     Barcelona is still the best city in the world.

3.     Traveling with my brother and Andrew was one of the best experiences of my life. I couldn’t travel that hard for more than 10 days, but it was a blast for the entire duration.

4.     Catalan is still a stupid bastard language.

5.     If two French guys who quote American Dad and sing American Top 40’s hits from the past 20 years offer to show you around the city for the night, absolutely take them up on it. Hesitating is for the weak.