In this week’s episode of “Captain Ryan Goes Somewhere on a Plane or a Train” (copyright in progress), we visit the Kingdom of Morocco. Before recounting the details of the journey, here are some facts about Tangier and Morocco, probably:
· The Kingdom is ruled by Mohammed the Sixth, who has at least 3 palaces in Tangier alone.
· Mohammed the Sixth looks like a pauper compared to Captain Ryan
· Morocco’s main export is hash. Its main import is pasty white kids.
· Moroccan law states that boys may be named Mohammed, Said, or Abdul. No deviations from these three options are permitted.
· Women are not allowed in Morocco.
· So there.
Now that you have a comprehensive understanding of Moroccan customs and laws, it’s important to note that Moroccans are a welcoming and generous people. For example, my roommate was offered hash within 45 seconds of arriving at our hotel, and our friendly tour guide Abdul offered to take us on a “super awesome tour to everywhere for cheap!” at least seven times. If persistence were indicative of IQ, Tangier would make Atlantis look like a daycare, and the lady who accosted Matt in the Kasbah (which we rocked), would make the entire faculty at Harvard look like the cast of Jersey Shore.
Fortunately we gave in to Adbul’s persistence because he took us on a solid tour to see things we wouldn’t have otherwise. We went to the Cave of Hercules, rode camels, fed monkeys, and broke into an Arab oil baron’s compound. I would say that I was scared of a pissed off Arab avenging my trespassing on his property, but Abdul claimed it was his father’s property. His tracksuit and profession as an unlicensed tour guide told me otherwise, but I wasn’t too concerned. Captain Ryan’s blog is huge in the Middle East, so I’m sure the oil baron would actually thank me for gracing his property with my presence. Abdul turned out to be a pretty awesome guide until he abandoned briefly us in the Kasbah. But he redeemed himself by cursing out that really intelligent lady who grabbed Matt.
The next day we went to the beach. Moroccans were apparently unaware that eye damage can occur from looking directly at white people in the sunlight because we had the beautiful, pristine beach to ourselves for most of the afternoon. Except the beach was neither beautiful, nor pristine, nor empty. We did damage a few corneas though when we took out shirts off to play soccer with some Moroccan kids. One of the kids, Abdul (seriously not kidding about the names), spoke Spanish so we worked out some teams and played for a few hours. We then went swimming in what I was convinced was a wastewater treatment facility, but little Abdul maintained it was “el oceano,” whatever that means.
At this point, I’d like to address a very serious issue that some travelers have certainly encountered in the past: being white. Tangier was quite literally swarming with police. They were crawling all over everything, eating the crops, chirping all night, and leaving those nasty husks of their shells behind on all of the buildings. What I’m really trying to say is that is was safe. And despite this police plague, you couldn’t help but feel a little uneasy because you were always so clearly in the minority. There was no way to escape hawkers on the street or to blend in. Everyone is speaking a language that is entirely foreign to anything most white people recognize. I know you’re thinking, “How is that different from Los Angeles,” and to be quite honest, it probably isn’t, but it still makes you a little out of place.
However, everything I’ve mentioned so far pales in comparison to the excitement of what I’m about to tell you: We unintentionally watched the episode of Archer where you find out that Archer was born in Tangier, in Tangier. I know, I probably should have told you to sit down for that beforehand, and I apologize, but it’s just so exciting that I couldn’t wait to type it any longer. And if you’re unfamiliar with Archer or don’t like it, could you tell me what it’s like to have no friends? I hear it’s just devastating.
Notes:
1. We ate like kings in Morocco. It was strange to have free appetizers and free refills again. And we even found a place that sold decent pizzas for around $3.50. Take that Little Caesars!
2. Morocco is honestly one of the most beautiful places I’ve ever been. Mountains and beaches are all crammed together on the Mediterranean and the weather was perfect.
3. The proximity to Spain was a plus as well. Tangier has a heavy Spanish influence, and most of the people habla’ed some Español. We would have been in trouble if they didn’t because we knew no Arabic and almost no French.
4. I would recommend an extended stay only if you had a guide or a Moroccan friend with you. Otherwise, you can see most of the sites in a day and a half. The nightlife is much more difficult to find than in a European country, so it’s best to stay in.
5. Moroccans do not understand air travel. Honestly, I could write an entire post about our flight back, but suffice it to say there was almost a riot on the plane because we were delayed an hour on the tarmac.
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