On the Current Trivia Streak

I’ve been getting a lot of questions this week asking about our secret for success at “Tiger Town Tavern’s Terrific Twednesday Trivia” ©, as we have placed 1^st or 2^nd in the last four weeks. Many people have been saying hurtful things about cheating, accusing us of cell phone abuse during the game, and insinuating that we’ve been taking performance enhancing drugs. Frankly, the public has gotten out of hand with these allegations and we, as a team, would like to dispel the myths surrounding this situation. And maybe we’ll do a little showboating on top of that because, as you know, Randall Hill is our role model.

For starters, we would like to fervently deny any claims of cheating, whether through the use of cell phones or mental telepathy with Alex Trebek. In fact, the only boost our team gets is from Staff Sargent Zachary Greata’s savant-like knowledge of sports, history, sports history, historical sports, Tom Brady, and creative insults. Other players, myself included, often contribute as much to our downfall as to our success throughout the night. Why, just the other night, star player Alli Manhard confidently answered a question with “Ask Jeeves.” “Ask Jeeves” isn’t the right answer to anything except “Which search engine causes conjunctivitis?” 

The last time this was relevant, I thought Jeeves was a Pokemon.

I’m equally guilty as well, having almost answered a question about Space Invaders with “Space Aliens”, which under Nerd Law must result in ritualistic drowning in Mountain Dew.  

Thankfully, we either recover from these mistakes, or infuse our core team with (non-steroidal) injections from more capable and balanced members, depending on the week. Other key players include:

   Nolan Lacy: Rock and roll, video games, comic books, and virginity expert

   Savannah Hayes: Groundwater contamination, rowing, and Say Yes to the Dress expert*

   James Broemer: Movies, Pop culture and How-The-Hell-Would-You-Know-That expert

   Michael Massey: Chemistry, Frisbee sports, and Reddit culture expert

   Anne Lander: Cats

   Jason Bernard: Marines, guns, and creative insults expert

I’m also pleased to announce that our team will be picking up Rachel Baggett off of waivers next week in an attempt to round out our knowledge of pop culture, rock and roll, movies, and early bedtimes. 

Rise and shine, it's trivia time!

As you can see, with a stable as talented and deep as the one we have, the need to cheat is unnecessary and risky. Furthermore, our proprietary strategy ensures contention almost every week. While I cannot discuss all aspects of this strategy as part of our strict non-disclosure agreement, I will say that we model ourselves after the Oregon Ducks and change our team name weekly. We feel as though this provides our team with freshness and is very attractive to young recruits. It does make choosing the name of our dynasty challenging (“The Schizoid Curtain” or “The ‘Uncles with Benefits’ Repeat Offenders” do have a certain ring to them) but it’s hard to argue with the results.

That being said, we would like to encourage anyone to come spectate as we take on the field next week with our revamped starting lineup. I believe you will find us to be the most exciting, excitable, and humble team at the bar. If anyone would like to try out as a walk-on for next week’s team (tentatively and unabashedly named “Thinker, Sailor, Soldier, Ty (ler)”) please consult general manager Zachary Greata to perform the required physical, mental, and emotional fortitude assessments. In the words of the peerless Gretchen Wieners, “We’re sorry that people are so jealous of us... but we can't help it that we’re so popular. And good at trivia.” Thank you.

This is the most wonderful thing I have ever seen.

*Captain Ryan is definitely not a co-expert on Say Yes to the Dress

Notes:

1.       We promise that we’re just as surprised as you are at how well trivia has been going.

2.       We also promise that no cheating has occurred, aside from Zach’s savant-like knowledge of sports, which is very much real.

3.       For all the grief we give Alli, she has come through in the clutch quite a few times.

4.       Tiger Town Tavern Trivia skills/luck does not seem to translate quite so well to other arenas, particularly BGR trivia.

5.       Any and all Miley Cyrus questions should be banned.