On Florida State Games

Florida State is different. It always has been. They don’t give me the feeling of dread and aggravation that Georgia Tech does; they don’t cause the blind rage that USC does; and they don’t make me want to stomp Koopa Troopas like Maryland does. I know I’m going to be speaking blasphemy to some of you, but I kinda like Florida State, in a brotherly sort of way. They’ve got a cool mascot. They’ve got some great traditions. They’ve got a phenomenal marching band. And before you say you hate it and think it’s annoying, the War Chant is pure genius. No other cheer is as well-known and reviled, and no other chant actively recruits opposing teams’ fans to cheer along as well as the War Chant. There’s no end to the awful, disgusting things that Seminoles will do after F*cking themselves (“Suck genitals” and “F*ck animals”!? Shameful!), but its addictiveness is evidence enough to how smart it is.

"Oh, oh, oooh! Feed me donut holes!"

And the marching band! Yes, the marching band nerd must talk about arguably the best marching band this side of the SC State Marching 101. With over 400 members and a large number coming from music performance majors, the FSU band is a force. And I mean that quite literally; you can often feel the sound coming from their section. Sure, they play the Tomahawk Chop like the government plays political chicken (constantly, and without remorse), and sure, they’re actually too big to make shapes other than “amoeba” and “sideways amoeba”, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t look forward to them coming. Most of my friends don’t like to be near me when the FSU band plays. The drool puddle is vast and unrelenting.

As vast and unrelenting as Jameis Winston's tiny, tiny ears aren't.

That being said, I sure do love it when we beat Florida State like they owe us money. Like that time in 2009 when CJ Spiller and Andre Ellington singlehandedly completed the genocide of FSU’s defense and special teams? Or that other time in 2009 when our entire stadium sang Queen’s “We Will Rock You” at the FSU fans until our collective hearts burst? Or that other, other time in 2009 when DeAndre McDaniel totally broke Christian Ponder’s collarbone after intercepting him and calling him out like he had personally urinated on McDaniel’s cat’s grave*? Or that time in 2011 when Rennie Moore sacked Clint Trickett so hard, he transferred to West Virginia to fulfill his dream of becoming King of the Couch Burners*? Good times. Well, except for Ponder, but he should have known better than to desecrate Cuddles McDaniel’s grave. 

Such a distinguished seminary of higher learning.

And even when we lose to Florida State, the games are exciting. It’s competitive, hard-fought football at its finest, and I hope that never changes. I’ve been to a lot of Clemson football games, and with the exception of the LSU game last year, nothing compares to the Florida State games. We literally ripped the bleachers out of Death Valley in 2011 after beating them. People were so excited about that game, they broke and carried out entire sections of bleachers like they were souvenir cups. That’s so mind bogglingly stupid, so incredibly pointless, and so hilariously awesome that you just have to sit back and appreciate the passion that envelopes this game every year. I’m just going to go ahead a say it: I love Florida State, in spite of their supposed inclination towards fellatio and bestiality*.

*There may or may not be evidence to corroborate these claims.

Notes:

1.       Win or lose, this is without a doubt my favorite game of the year.

2.       Also, this game has huge implications. Two top-5 ACC schools playing each other in Clemson. Heisman status, ACC championship status, and even national championship status is on the line.

3.       Night game is best game.

4.       I really do love the FSU band. They’re not as exciting as the Marching 101, but they have an amazing sound.

5.       Is it Saturday yet?